Three hours left of work to go.

Um... my private diary holds the details and my feelings of this incident, but Adam asked me to pick him up at school yesterday afternoon, and when I went to his classroom door to let him know I was there, I caught him and Tara being considerably less than frigid. Ouch. I went to his blog today; he'd edited his entry since I last read it. I left a really cold comment, and if you are reading this, Adam, I would like to say that had I waited a few hours after reading the addition, I would have been more civil, but... I guess I can't apologize, because my words were borne of feelings, ones I had at the time. So you know how I felt in that moment. I could correct myself now with how I feel in this one, but much of it would be repetitive, I'm afraid - just more nicely worded. I'm still reeling... still can't quite shake what I saw, or that when I confessed to being "the blur he saw in the doorway," he got mad at me as though I'd walked into his house and peeked through his bedroom keyhole to gain this mental snapshot of young love. My watch said you were five minutes late, and you were in a public building, boy - I figured you were engrossed in some work, or a movie, and perhaps you needed to be reminded of the time. And it's not like I stood there and watched what I ran into. I maybe saw half a second of it, before my instinct kicked in and screamed Run and I turned away from the private matter and ran right into the wall.

Side note: Adam has informed me that Tara reads, or has read, this thing. To her, if this is the only thought I voice to her, I would like to say: I don't hate you. I couldn't. For one, I don't even know you, and for another, the only thing you've done that I could hate you for is something I myself have done and would do again, and so, hating you would be hypocritical of me. I'll even go so far as to say that, if I were braver, you seem like someone I could get to know and even like. Hell, who knows, perhaps in a year you'll be a regular part of our circle of friends. My hesitance now isn't only toward you, though - I'm currently hiding from everyone in society, even my own friends. So don't feel bad. You're not the reason Adam + I fight. Adam + I are the reason we fight. There is just so much garbage between us to bring up and fight about all over again.

Somehow, I let everything be my fault - but I wonder, is it because I feel blamed for everything? Adam's first reaction to everything is anger, even my pain, which I try to hide from him for that reason. He claims the hiding is what makes him angry, but then when I stop hiding, he gets even angrier at me to know how I feel. I guess I don't know which I prefer: him being angry, but at least in the know, or being angry and yet, blissfully ignorant of how he's affected me this time.

I cheated on him, long ago. I guess not so long ago - it started four months ago, and ended a month later. Yeah, it was a rotten thing to do, but I had my reasons. And now he says he's forgiven me for it, and wants me to forgive myself for it, but I can't do that if he keeps throwing it in my face as an excuse to do to me every rotten thing he wants to do. I've long since paid my price - I lost you, I lost happy nights to crying and bleeding. You have every right to treat me like shit, but please stop trying to justify it! Because I know. Every goddamn little thing you do these days is because I ruined you. I know that. There's no sense in repeating.

This has taken me a half-hour to write. Will it even stay in your head that long? I know you're anxious to move on with your life, but could you first spare half a minute for me?