I bowled a strike tonight! My first strike ever. Yay!

Okay. Here in Canada, we have M&Ms. But we also have M&Ms without the Ms; they are called Smarties. Recently, I was eating ice-cream flavoured Smarties. Obviously, the concept being, different coloured Smarties are artificially flavoured to taste like corresponding ice-cream flavours. The red ones are strawberry, the yellow, banana sorbet, there are these caramel-coloured ones that look like spotted shit but taste like caramel, and so on.

Guess what flavour the brown ones are? (Yes, there are brown Smarties.)

Oh, yeah. Chocolate! Who'd have thought, chocolate-flavoured chocolate.

I laughed for a pathetically-long amount of time.

Ugh... sometimes, when I have a headache, I pour too many painkillers into my palm, and I'm tempted to swallow them all... just to see what would happen.

$!#%@$*@%AARGGGH. I wish I weren't so stupid and jealous.

Mine. Back off. Get your own.

If all goes well, Adam and I will be spending this Saturday skating and scarfing down Greco pizza. I had the ideas, and he agreed to them. Sounds like a fun, light-hearted, cheerful Valentine's Day date to me. We'll see how it goes. I am looking forward to it.

Today, I've got to shower, and fix up my résumé. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment at noon, after which I plan to apply for work at a few places I wouldn't mind working. Though I understand that at this stage of the game, I can't afford to be picky.

you don't have to take
every old mistake
and always see it as a fall while you're running
see it in another light
you'll see it working out alright....

I've been craving to go skating lately. Recently, while cleaning my room, I found three skating badges I never got around to stitching onto my skate bag. I hope to get that done shortly, so I can show off my former prowess even more. I haven't been on skates in a few years, so I don't know if mine even fit anymore. Officer's Square, in the city, is iced over for skating, and I'd love to go skating smack in the middle of downtown in the dead of night, surrounded by bustle and glowing city lights. There's also an outdoor rink at Mactaquac that's the exact opposite - bigger, but so isolated - that I'd love to hit.

if every single second's killing
tell me I'm dreaming
I'll sleep it all away
tear out this love
tear up the root
tear me from you
tear me from these complicated questions
taking all the empty spaces inside me
I don't want to hear these simple answers
complicated as we are
we're going to tear out this love....

Adam's really suffering over something.... Well, I know part of his reasons, but I'm not sure that they account for all of his pain. He accused me of growing cold to him over the past couple of months, and I don't deny that I have. When he comes over, we just chilled out, playing videogames, watching TV, or surfing the Net, often in separate rooms. I did not know this bothered him the way it did, though - I just thought of it as our relationship shifting into that comfy, domestic stage, that comes right before or with lifelong commitment. I guess he didn't see it that way, but he hid his feelings, and oh so well.

Anyway, we've discussed it, and in an attempt to repair the damage I've done, I suggested that he spend fewer nights sleeping at my house. He seemed agreeable to this plan, as he's been spending entire weekends here. The theory is that less time together will make the relationship feel less constant, less domestic, and will cause us to cease taking each other's company for granted.

so cold that you cannot
cope with a frozen heart
I guess we blow apart
I guessed it from the start
don't say because you can't
say what we should have been
don't show what I resent
don't know 'cause I forget
so cruel to be so blind
darkness was on my side
now that you've come and gone
I know where I belong
light is leaving as I watch you go
light is leaving inside of my soul....

He was online earlier, because as I was noting the aforementioned diary entries, they were being edited. But he wasn't on any messengers, so I couldn't talk to him, to reassure myself that he's alright.

way too early to consider losing
vacant staring may discover some reflection
or may discover none
just think what you've done
and watch it all add up
like an emptiness you'll never fill....

On another note, my weight has dropped to 125 lbs, down from 130 last week. I don't know if I've just been lax on eating due to my odd sleeping schedule, which causes me to miss two meals, or if I've been stressed, and subconsciously starving myself again. What concerns me most is that I think this has improved my look. I always talk of people being stupidly weight-obsessed, and preferring lovers with some extra softness, but I'm taking pride in probably looking like one of the stick women for whom I express disdain.

Joey mourns the loss of my "tummy pillow," but my brother still calls me fat. I know I'm not. At 5'9", I'm now actually at least ten pounds underweight. That should concern me more, I know it. It should concern me that it doesn't. I feel healthy, I feel fine. I guess that is what matters.

are the sins getting staler?
does every moment move past you
or does it feel like forever?
if only you saw it coming
how far down would you fall
if you never came up again?
'cause you're so sick of it all
and you want to change everything
just how deep will you go
to see through it all?
if you could consume her
would you say you were finding your way out?
still you can see you're guilty....
calling home all alone
you can call, I won't answer
any question in my head
remains until you feel the same
never telling how I felt is all I ever cared about....

Sorry for all the lyrics. I've been on a Finger Eleven kick.

I can't see this blog at the moment. When I try to load it, I get a fatal error that shuts down my browser, every time. If I could see the details of this error, I might be more able to do something about it, but Internet Explorer gives me only the options of sending an error report, or not.

Weird little bugs like these have been occurring since I did the only thing I knew how to do to even boot into my laptop when the SOFTWARE Config file corrupted - I replaced it with the blank SOFTWARE Config file from a WinXP repair disc. The problem is, I run Windows 2000 NT Pro. But, since I installed that as part of a module for school, I do not have a repair disc for that OS. Now, due to my tinkering, I'm running an odd hybrid of OSs that tries to purge itself of incompatible files every time I boot, unless I skip the disc check within ten seconds. I've learned that not skipping this check deletes the files I've been successful in repairing since the crash.

I'm not in a good mood. And my left foot hurts.

I've been up for about an hour, and already today blows. Partially because I'm up, and it's not three in the afternoon yet. I haven't had enough sleep.

For another, my computer is being stupid, leaving me having to write this on my family's slow PC. Every time I try to boot my laptop, I get a blue screen saying a system file (root/System32/Config/SOFTWARE) is corrupt, "Beginning dump of physical memory," and the system restarts. Bloody hell, I can't even get into Windows to do an update or a virus scan.

Bugger... on top of that, I seem to have an infection in a terrible place for them.

(sigh) I wish somebody was around for me to mope to, who would make me smile, and feel better. Until I find that somebody, to the PS2 I retreat.

What do you do
When you know something's bad for you
But you just can't let go?

I've been on a productive kick lately - at least, by my own lazy definition of the word. I levelled up my best-looking Smackdown character a bit this afternoon, then set to work on cleaning out the junk-laden top shelf of my sweater cabinet, on top of which now sits a gift from Adam: a vase of two fresh red roses and cheerful sprigs of white baby's-breath.

My friends + I are going to the pool again on Saturday, and perhaps to a movie afterward. The current group vote is The Butterfly Effect, though I saw it Monday evening with Adam. I would go again, though, and actually plan to own it on DVD when I can. This is a high form of compliment from me, as I hate movies in general, and didn't see this one for Ashton Kutcher's "hott" close-ups. It was a very thought-provoking picture, especially if you figure out why the final memory Evan chose to mangle produced the results it did. I cried at two parts of the conclusion, and tried to hide that fact.

I am cold, and my back, feet, and neck hurt.

Adam and I went into town, hoping to see a movie, tonight. We bought tickets for The Butterfly Effect, which he + Joel saw last night after I backed out, scared away by what I thought was an R rating (which is actually an AA), and raved so positively about that I got jealous, and wanted to see it too. But, there was a line of advanced ticket holders a mile long, and when I decided I didn't want to sit among that crowd of STD-infested skanky girls and stupid wigger boys with their pants hanging to their knees, none of whom would probably shut off their cell phones or quit gabbing about how "OMG, hott" Ashton Kutcher looks, we saw Big Fish instead. It was surprisingly not ridiculous, and touching.

I almost hit a deer on the road last night, driving in the dark. I think it hopped a snowbank, because all of a sudden it was almost on top of my hood, out of nowhere. Fortunately, my panicked reaction was the right one: I slammed on the brakes, and cut the wheel hard toward the back end of it. My brakes squealed; I have no doubt that I laid a rubber trail. But I missed it by something like an inch. The oblivious animal continued its jaunt, and I continued my drive, understandably spooked, but unharmed. I don't know whether or not to be glad that Adam was in my passenger seat at the time. I don't like the thought that my driving could have gotten him killed, but I do like knowing that if I had hit it, I might not have been alone in fixing my mess, at around two in the morning.

Adam is playing Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance II, and whimpering for my attention. Time to give. Ciao, ciao.