Today, I've got to shower, and fix up my résumé. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment at noon, after which I plan to apply for work at a few places I wouldn't mind working. Though I understand that at this stage of the game, I can't afford to be picky.

you don't have to take
every old mistake
and always see it as a fall while you're running
see it in another light
you'll see it working out alright....

I've been craving to go skating lately. Recently, while cleaning my room, I found three skating badges I never got around to stitching onto my skate bag. I hope to get that done shortly, so I can show off my former prowess even more. I haven't been on skates in a few years, so I don't know if mine even fit anymore. Officer's Square, in the city, is iced over for skating, and I'd love to go skating smack in the middle of downtown in the dead of night, surrounded by bustle and glowing city lights. There's also an outdoor rink at Mactaquac that's the exact opposite - bigger, but so isolated - that I'd love to hit.

if every single second's killing
tell me I'm dreaming
I'll sleep it all away
tear out this love
tear up the root
tear me from you
tear me from these complicated questions
taking all the empty spaces inside me
I don't want to hear these simple answers
complicated as we are
we're going to tear out this love....

Adam's really suffering over something.... Well, I know part of his reasons, but I'm not sure that they account for all of his pain. He accused me of growing cold to him over the past couple of months, and I don't deny that I have. When he comes over, we just chilled out, playing videogames, watching TV, or surfing the Net, often in separate rooms. I did not know this bothered him the way it did, though - I just thought of it as our relationship shifting into that comfy, domestic stage, that comes right before or with lifelong commitment. I guess he didn't see it that way, but he hid his feelings, and oh so well.

Anyway, we've discussed it, and in an attempt to repair the damage I've done, I suggested that he spend fewer nights sleeping at my house. He seemed agreeable to this plan, as he's been spending entire weekends here. The theory is that less time together will make the relationship feel less constant, less domestic, and will cause us to cease taking each other's company for granted.

so cold that you cannot
cope with a frozen heart
I guess we blow apart
I guessed it from the start
don't say because you can't
say what we should have been
don't show what I resent
don't know 'cause I forget
so cruel to be so blind
darkness was on my side
now that you've come and gone
I know where I belong
light is leaving as I watch you go
light is leaving inside of my soul....

He was online earlier, because as I was noting the aforementioned diary entries, they were being edited. But he wasn't on any messengers, so I couldn't talk to him, to reassure myself that he's alright.

way too early to consider losing
vacant staring may discover some reflection
or may discover none
just think what you've done
and watch it all add up
like an emptiness you'll never fill....

On another note, my weight has dropped to 125 lbs, down from 130 last week. I don't know if I've just been lax on eating due to my odd sleeping schedule, which causes me to miss two meals, or if I've been stressed, and subconsciously starving myself again. What concerns me most is that I think this has improved my look. I always talk of people being stupidly weight-obsessed, and preferring lovers with some extra softness, but I'm taking pride in probably looking like one of the stick women for whom I express disdain.

Joey mourns the loss of my "tummy pillow," but my brother still calls me fat. I know I'm not. At 5'9", I'm now actually at least ten pounds underweight. That should concern me more, I know it. It should concern me that it doesn't. I feel healthy, I feel fine. I guess that is what matters.

are the sins getting staler?
does every moment move past you
or does it feel like forever?
if only you saw it coming
how far down would you fall
if you never came up again?
'cause you're so sick of it all
and you want to change everything
just how deep will you go
to see through it all?
if you could consume her
would you say you were finding your way out?
still you can see you're guilty....
calling home all alone
you can call, I won't answer
any question in my head
remains until you feel the same
never telling how I felt is all I ever cared about....

Sorry for all the lyrics. I've been on a Finger Eleven kick.