I've been coming up with poems in my head. More of them rhyme lately than ever, but I've always hated to write down poems that rhyme. I haven't wanted to write any of these poems down either, because they're all sad, and full of shit I don't want to remember, I'd rather just forget.

I never thought that what I said would have you running from me like this.

I can't do the simplest fucking thing. My boss has two pics on his computer he wants me to upload to the company website. He's not here. So first, I try to e-mail them to myself from his computer, but he doesn't have his Outlook set up. Then I try to find the Share folder on the network to drop them into, but I can't find that. Then I try what he always does: to burn them to a CD (he routinely wastes non-RW CDs by burning two pics onto them to transfer from one computer to another, then chucks it out - I don't think the man believes in floppies, or rewriteable CDs at the least). But no matter what blank CD I put into what burnable drive (he has two), the pics won't burn.

At this point, which is an unusual thing for me to do, I gave up. Grr to other people's computers.

At least it's Friday. I saw Adam last night. I miss him already. My cold tiger toes found warmth under his thigh. I really, really wish I didn't become so irritating to us both when I talk. I'm always trying to seek out answers he doesn't know, and I know it, but somehow I just don't stop myself until I notice he's minding. When I try to hide what's bothering me, even though I know it will annoy him to hear it, he just bugs me not to hide it. (smiles) If you read this, Sunshine, though I know you probably don't, I want you to know that I need those hugs as much as you seem to.

Pretending I don't feel misplaced is so much simpler than change.... It's so much easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb, it's so much easier to go then face all this pain here all alone. If I could change, I would - take back the pain, I would - retrace every wrong move that I made, I would.

He says that what he wants has changed "twenty or thirty times" the past week. That indecision is going nowhere. I told him there's nothing he can do but wait, enjoy time with his friends, and wait for the inevitable kick in the ass that makes you realize who's beside you in your vision of forever.

I'll be twenty in August. A scary thought. The point being, I'm young, and probably stupid. But I see that my life as it is now is nowhere near the beauty it became when I was with him, and I don't see it becoming nearly so beautiful with anyone but him.

I'll take everything from the inside, and throw it all away, 'cause I've slipped for the last time, I won't trust myself with you... I won't waste myself on you.

What do you feel when you're with me? Am I anything like the old Emma again?

You're confused, but I'm confused too. I've gone through something like this, and the evidence suggests that you still love me, you still want to be with me, but your fear and your feelings for someone else... "stand in the way," at the risk of being offensive. I do not mean to presume. Or perhaps, it's only what I see through my rose-coloured bias lens. Perhaps I believe that because it's what I want to believe. I'm confused, too, as I said. One thing shines clear: letting you go was my biggest mistake. First I did it for what I thought was your own good, because you were hurting the way I am hurting now, being strung along, riding your hopes. Then I did it because you asked me to. Neither time did I ever want to watch you walk away. Never did I want the unthinkable to happen, but it did - you fell for someone else... you strayed. See, I tried to put you on my back burner, and when I wanted you back, you weren't there. And now I'm trying to keep you from making the same stupid mistake, and feeling the guilt and regret I feel, even if it means sitting on that back burner until you do want to move me back to the front.

I love you, I know it's the right kind of love. I want to try again, and I know I won't let you down.

Adam invited me to a movie on Saturday. First me + him, then a group thing, then he called the whole thing off by saying he had no money. I wonder, was that all there was to it, or was it another little sign of his indecision?

Does your stomach hurt? Do you hurt still when I do? I wonder if I've been hurting because you are.