You've stabbed me one too many times, and I stabbed back. It was immature, but I felt that you deserved to feel a small fraction of the many great pains you've caused me.

What you don't deserve is to be in happy waters with us both. Your two weeks to make decisions you've told each of us you've already made, decisions you keep making and changing. You've so badly abused the time you did have - and you think you deserve more?

I regret this decision already. But you won't make a move to make things right, even as the "friend" you claim you want to be with me, because everything I do makes you angry, and all I've ever fuckin' tried to be was supportive, even when I didn't really support your decisions. All I ever wanted to feel for you was love and trust. All I ever did was trust the things you said - trust the good, trust the bad. I believed you every time you said you loved me, every time you told me you didn't think you + she were going to work out, every time you told me that you missed me every second of every day, wanted to be with me, wanted to play the field and eventually, return to settle down with me. Yesterday morning, when you held me and whispered in my ear that you were giving me your heart, you were sure of it, certain I'd had it all along, that you wanted us to get back together and you were going to try your damn hardest to make things right with me, I believed you. Then we fight, and you suddenly don't love me anymore, you suddenly don't mean all those positive things you said. Suddenly they were pretty words, lies, to spare my feelings. Suddenly the sparkle I saw in your eyes then was a damn fine bit of acting.

Realistically, writing this will not get me back into your good graces, but I can't allow that fear to keep me silent anymore. You can't really be angry with me, or her - the only person you have to blame for any of this is yourself, though I know from past experience you'll blame me anyway. (Recalling what your blog said a few entries back: Fuck this fuck you Emily fuck you Tara fuck it all - as if your confusion is her fault and mine.) You already hate me. You probably always have, and you probably always will. I kind of hope she hates you, so you know how it feels to be hated by the one you love, to never feel good enough in their eyes, to try and try just to get a fuckin' hug or a kiss on the cheek or a smile or some spontaneous sign that they still give a rat's shit about you and get nothing but some pity action and the revelation, two hours later, that it was given to you out of perceived obligation.

I think you need to be alone for two weeks, if not more. I think you need to realize that you don't have time and time to sit on your hands and let us fall all over you. You need to lose all that you hold dear before you'll ever realize how dear it was to you. You've been taking it all for granted.

You know I don't have anywhere to run, so you think I will always be here for you to run back to, you think I'll always be willing to run back. The sad shit is, I probably will.

If you've known all along that I was the one you wanted, pull me close, and quit trying to loosen your grip. If you've known all along that I was what you wanted gone, stop holding on to my wrist when you try to push me away.

Stop abusing everyone.

And you, Tara... seriously... read this, and wonder if this is what you want to become, or if this is a man you can trust. If you think no, run, as he is telling me to do, as he told you to do this morning. I think he realizes that he wants, needs, to be alone, that he is hurting us both with his indecision, but he can't stop himself when we're available for him to rape and pillage from.

You feel lied to and cheated on... and I do, too. We were not together, but he didn't make it clear enough to me that you + he were. Oh, he may have said the words, but his actions didn't prove their truth. He made it seem that he was falling for me again - he made it seem like he didn't feel any different than he always had. I love you. I miss you. I want us to be together... soon... very soon, babes. He made it seem that we were destined to be, again - fanned my hopes, then pissed all over them.

He screwed up, big time. I don't believe I have anything he wants, that I could revoke, and punish him with the absence of. I thought I did... I hoped I did.... But, he tells me otherwise. Tells me he wants me gone. Tells me he wants me gone one minute, and the next, he's telling me he loves me and begging me to please, take all of him, he has a condom in his wallet.

You don't know what you want, Adam, but I know what I want, and it's not to have to deal with this SHIT for another minute. And for her to know what a lying sack of shit you clearly have no qualm with being and to have the guts to give you what you deserve, what I'm not sure I have the strength to give you - the permanent boot.

You stand at the edge of my cliff, Sunshine. Call me. If you want to remain on land, if you still want me as even a friend, try and make this right - because I deserve the apologies this time, and by then this mask of anger will have faded, and the pain will be exposed, waiting to be soothed. If you want to fall to the rocks below, spit out your last goodbye.

No, I'm not the same old happy Emma. The happy Emma you loved was one you created by loving me. You will only see her again if I can rest assured that you want to find her and love her again.